Why not get some tagible support in your town. Find someone that can talk to you face to face or/and get some professional help. I my self am going to the VA I need A rest and to meet some people plus get my head together. Here is what I been going through. May God bless you he blessed me, my son is now 30 years he was 2 when old when his mother ran off I was in the army then (20yr) . At least you have some one in your life I don't. I spent the holiday alone I had no turkey. I came to a conclusion I need to got for treatment at the VA on monday. My 13 and 14 year old live with my estranged wifewife for 9years. she seperated the family in 2003 she wants to make it work now and now realizes they need their father. I tryied to live with them during the summer but they have learnt to live without a father. But my son wants me to be their but they learnt ingnorance from their mother. I came from a one parent home my father died when I was 6years old my mother taught us well and were raised with respect. Their mother is liberal and she is not a disaplenary they have attitudes because of it but I keep them in check. But when I do she trying telling me thats enough. I moved out 10/2012 I had to because it was going to get ugly. I relaped and I am going for treatment monday. I want to be a father and/husband but her pride and arrogance won't let me. I never hit her but in 2003 I put her up against the wall because of the same reason. I wanted to be a husband to her

I hope you don't think I am probing, I just like to try to help your pain. I am lamatheid and I know how you feel. I have no friends either none!! I moved from my wifes house about a month ago after being seperated for 9+ years my children don't understand me. my estranged wife don't believe in me. I relapsed because of loneliness I am not working, i am in school online but I feel like I am not worthy I feel inferior not working.
I decided to go to the VA to get treatment next week. I live alone and I have no friends no acquaintences. I pickup to get some joy in my life but its all more misery. Thank God, you have someone around. I have no one my children love me but they cant show it or their mother. I told her I did not love her and the divorse court date is coming in the mail. I call but noone answers I been lonely for 19years at lest probably more. Going to treatment and taking time off from school right now will benefit me. I need to be around people I feel like dying at times. Whats going to happen is when I get my deposit I'll pay my rent and other bills maybe and do some shopping for the month and then party and I'll get sick then have to strain my brains to do my school work and that really sucks.
Talking about feeling like a worm, guilty, shame ,angry, lonely, worthless,just wanting to stay in bed and sleep as long as you can. My way out now is to go to the VA and get into treatment and pbe around people. I need that boost so when I come home i'll have a program again, I know the down fall going to and fro self help meeting and therapy but I have to do it. I know the way out and this is it if I have to take medication I will I need people in my life I need a balance. I hope you get to know your way out and just take that route. This week end I am just going to get my self mentally ready and write my landlord and tell him I'll pay him when I get back.